Somewhere between waiting at work for hours for a paycheck and arriving home to a televangelist praying against high blood pressure on late night tv, I think I've cracked. No, maybe that was a few nights ago when I just wanted to swear a blue streak while driving home. Home. What a stupid word.
"For Thou hast made us for Thyself, and our hearts are restless till they rest in Thee."
Sure. It's profound and beautiful and profoundly beautiful. Why must it be so frustratingly paradoxical to try to rest? I don't mean to strive. But HOW THE BLOODY DEUCE?!
When You feel like answering, God, I'll be here. I probably just won't hear You because I adore fireflies and revel in poppies, but can't hear the voice of my own Creator. Great. I'm dying to fail. Again.
Post-Edit//
"My soul, wait silently for God alone,
For my expectation is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation;
He is my defense;
I shall not be moved.
In God is my salvation and my glory;
The rock of my strength,
And my refuge, is in God.
Trust in Him at all times, you people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us. Selah."
//Psalm 62:5-8//
27.6.10
Caught
From a sort of journal entry:
"This has been a good week, though one of wilderness. But if Jesus could endure for forty days and Paul for three years, what is my single week? The blessing of the test is not in proving our faithfulness to God; He already knows it. No, it is that we cannot fathom the depth of our own strength until we are put to the seemingly impossible task, and we find ourselves not only enduring, but thriving."
"This has been a good week, though one of wilderness. But if Jesus could endure for forty days and Paul for three years, what is my single week? The blessing of the test is not in proving our faithfulness to God; He already knows it. No, it is that we cannot fathom the depth of our own strength until we are put to the seemingly impossible task, and we find ourselves not only enduring, but thriving."
25.6.10
Confessions of a Bibliophile
The day dawned bright and beautiful, the weather perfect for what was in store. For what could be a better use of a day off than a book hunt, that glorious pastime when a bibliophile (or several, although they usual disband upon nearing a quarry's possible den, being varied in the exact nature of their taste for game) pursues an elusive volume from used bookstore to used bookstore, occasionally getting distracted for hours along the way.
Beast of the Chase: The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis
Master of Fox Hounds: Yo soy la maestra de los perros, eh?
Kennelman: Dad (he takes care of my car, okay?)
... Nothing else really fits from all the terminology that I found... That's enough.
Beginning Point: Dogstar Books, West Chestnut St. (for those who are Sirius about books... har har...)
Time: approx. 10:15AM EST
Mission Status: Failed. Den contained a mere two volumes of Lewis plus what appeared to be a biography, although there was a very intriguing collection of philosophy and logic AND a first edition Silmarillion for a mere $25... Ahem. At this point, M.F.H. was still in possession of wits and avoided all possible pitfalls that threatened to significantly reduce the contents of her wallet.
Brief Detour: Prince Street for an iced caramel latte (cars aren't the only creatures that need fuel), the Thai stand for lunch aka two hard-won veggie crispy rolls to be saved for a later time of day (HA! take that, lunch crowd! At last, I beat you!)
Stop the Next: Winding Way Books, West Chestnut St.
Time: approx. 11:00AM
Mission Status: Failed. In every way possible. If, that is, you view a decrease in finances as a failure. However, since the M.F.H. increased in intellectual wealth, this may have been an incredible success. Four books and a very nice conversation with the shopkeeper later, M.F.H. left the Seuss-ish store simultaneously richer and poorer.
Stop the Third: Barnes & Noble, Fruitville Pike
Time: approx. 11:45AM
Mission Status: Success. Except that the point was to procure the beast of the chase at a used bookstore, thereby reducing expenditures. So actually, it was a failure of a success.
Stop the Final: The Book Haven, Marietta Ave.
Time: approx. 12:30PM
Mission Status: Failed. Attempted to find Lewis's work here with the intention of returning aforementioned successful failure if should be discovered. However, did find a very nice biography that might possibly have depleted last of available funds...
Final Accounting:
The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis
Knowing God by J.I. Packer
The Dark Lord of Derkholm by Diana Wynne Jones
The Call by Os Guinness
Othello by William Shakespeare
Charles James Fox by John Drinkwater
All in a day's hunt... Er, work.
Now to find space on the maxed out bookshelf...
Beast of the Chase: The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis
Master of Fox Hounds: Yo soy la maestra de los perros, eh?
Kennelman: Dad (he takes care of my car, okay?)
... Nothing else really fits from all the terminology that I found... That's enough.
Beginning Point: Dogstar Books, West Chestnut St. (for those who are Sirius about books... har har...)
Time: approx. 10:15AM EST
Mission Status: Failed. Den contained a mere two volumes of Lewis plus what appeared to be a biography, although there was a very intriguing collection of philosophy and logic AND a first edition Silmarillion for a mere $25... Ahem. At this point, M.F.H. was still in possession of wits and avoided all possible pitfalls that threatened to significantly reduce the contents of her wallet.
Brief Detour: Prince Street for an iced caramel latte (cars aren't the only creatures that need fuel), the Thai stand for lunch aka two hard-won veggie crispy rolls to be saved for a later time of day (HA! take that, lunch crowd! At last, I beat you!)
Stop the Next: Winding Way Books, West Chestnut St.
Time: approx. 11:00AM
Mission Status: Failed. In every way possible. If, that is, you view a decrease in finances as a failure. However, since the M.F.H. increased in intellectual wealth, this may have been an incredible success. Four books and a very nice conversation with the shopkeeper later, M.F.H. left the Seuss-ish store simultaneously richer and poorer.
Stop the Third: Barnes & Noble, Fruitville Pike
Time: approx. 11:45AM
Mission Status: Success. Except that the point was to procure the beast of the chase at a used bookstore, thereby reducing expenditures. So actually, it was a failure of a success.
Stop the Final: The Book Haven, Marietta Ave.
Time: approx. 12:30PM
Mission Status: Failed. Attempted to find Lewis's work here with the intention of returning aforementioned successful failure if should be discovered. However, did find a very nice biography that might possibly have depleted last of available funds...
Final Accounting:
The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis
Knowing God by J.I. Packer
The Dark Lord of Derkholm by Diana Wynne Jones
The Call by Os Guinness
Othello by William Shakespeare
Charles James Fox by John Drinkwater
All in a day's hunt... Er, work.
Now to find space on the maxed out bookshelf...
You Won't Relent
The blessing of brokenness...
"How could I expect to walk without You
When every move that Jesus made was in surrender
I would not begin to live without You
For You alone are worthy, You are always good"
When we look on the face of God, we know who we are.
"How could I expect to walk without You
When every move that Jesus made was in surrender
I would not begin to live without You
For You alone are worthy, You are always good"
When we look on the face of God, we know who we are.
23.6.10
Tunnel Vision
I arrived home from work this ... well, night, I guess, on the borderline of being out of sorts and was nudged over the line by a moment of unpleasantness involving my mother. That moment led to a mental litany of woe over the things that weigh on me, from dissatisfaction with growth to frustrations at work to the present blank slate awfulness of the future. One shower later, I was brushing my teeth when my dad wandered out of their room to play a midnight insomniac's game of solitaire. I asked him about a medical bill issue and was surprised when he said that he had taken care of it. Into my funk and furor, a ray of light.
It was a little thing, trifling really. A matter of a mere few dollars that maybe means I'll finally be able to go to a gym or who knows what, but it has been hanging onto the edge of my paycheck and tips, waiting to be paid and just one more little nagging thing that frayed at my already fragile nerves. So small, and yet... grace.
It's an unpleasant place to be when you can't appreciate the blue of the sky because you're too busy staring at the clouds.
It was a little thing, trifling really. A matter of a mere few dollars that maybe means I'll finally be able to go to a gym or who knows what, but it has been hanging onto the edge of my paycheck and tips, waiting to be paid and just one more little nagging thing that frayed at my already fragile nerves. So small, and yet... grace.
It's an unpleasant place to be when you can't appreciate the blue of the sky because you're too busy staring at the clouds.
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