I am not doing any of these things perfectly. I may not even be doing them well. But dwelling on my shortcomings feels too selfish of a preoccupation in this moment, and an intolerable preoccupation at that. There is no more time to prepare: what could even be done to remedy it?
And so things are as they are, and the resources I have are what I have to work with. When everything I encounter takes the form of an unrelenting, unbearable headwind, how do I stand in it and not be knocked over?
The word "gracious" comes to mind. The wind rises, the slender reeds shiver and flex and rise again with its falling. To not be perfect amid difficulty but to choose grace, from moment to moment.
And this is not a moment to react with defensiveness or anger or frustration or disappointment, though they're close to the surface as the pressure is applied. There is no time for these things, because in one universe, time is ending. A life that one person still desires with a fierce desire, that she is not resigned to giving up: but she does not desire pain. Moment to moment, seek grace.
No comments:
Post a Comment