I am sitting in my favorite cafe in the world, which also happens to be the one that I work at when I'm not in school or far away from Lancaster. Moments ago, the two people who were sitting next to me left for whatever they're doing, but for some forty-five minutes I have had the privilege of shamelessly eavesdropping on their conversation. It's pathetic, really, but rather enlightening. One of them attends Messiah and was described by a friend as sort of "eh, yeah, she's a Christian," the other goes to American and... probably isn't. When discussing his relationship with his girlfriend, the girl asked him how far he had gone sexually with her. He was initially embarrassed, but proceeded to be quite honest (oh hurray... that's what I get for eavesdropping). Honesty is all well and good, but I got the sense that the dynamics of their conversation shifted at that point. In his honesty, he was almost challenging her to defy him, to say that he had done wrong. And she bowed to the pressure. She played along, asked him whether he liked it, laughed at an anecdote that wasn't really humorous.
Part two of the conversation that piqued my interest was a moment when he stated, "I am selfish." When she, perhaps somewhat surprised, asked if that ever bothered him, he replied that no, it didn't really, and that was okay with him.
This morning, I was sitting in the parking lot at the library waiting for it to open, and I decided it was high time I had some devotional time. Strange place, but no time like the present. I was reluctant to choose my reading because, as I reminded myself, practically anything I read would probably end up convicting me. These past few days have not been my best and I was fresh out of a conversation with some friends that did not really glorify God in any way. And yeah, I was right. 1 Corinthians, where I left off, but I reread the first few chapters to refresh my memory. Chapter one, verse two, "I am writing to God's church in Corinth, to you who have been called by God to be his own holy people. He made you holy by means of Christ Jesus, just as he did for all people everywhere who call on the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, their Lord and ours."
These past few days have not been a question of failing to do something. In the things that I have done, said, and even "simply" allowed, I have been violating who I am as God made me, so not a matter of doing so much as being. God made me holy, and as Dr. Whitlock so aptly put it, as Christians, we are "able not to sin" where once we were "not able not to sin."
I was disturbed by this fellow's frank, unapologetic admission of selfishness, but at least he had the insight to recognize it. Certainly, he could use some work on his attitude, but he sees in himself what most people don't even begin to notice. My selfishness is more subtle, manifesting itself in my tacit refusal to engage him in conversation despite the fact that such a possibility was not out of the question. Sometimes it is petty, as when I am tempted to get water from the second bottle so I don't have to replace the nearly empty first. Sometimes my selfishness is a failure to care about what someone else has to say because I want to be heard. It is insidious and it is ugly, yet I often manage to completely ignore it.
The command is repeated several times in Leviticus: "Be holy as I AM holy." There are no second chances. There is only living a life of holiness now and praying that in the future, He will somehow repair the damages of the past.
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