A Cosmic Joke

This morning in church we sang the Cory Asbury song, "My Beloved." The first lines I've quoted in the post below this one, but to refresh: "One thing have I desired of the Lord / That one thing I seek / To know You, (I just want) to know You..." I was struck as I sang that that in reality, that is not the one thing I desire of Him. Many other things, yes, to the degree that I often treat Him like some kind of a vending machine deity; "insert prayer, press button for sought after result." I am ashamed of the extent to which that is true of my relationship with Him, if you can call that a relationship.

But whether I actively seek to know Him or not, He does have a way of revealing Himself to me. Like, for instance, His sense of humor. I've been reminded of that quite a bit recently, mostly because I've come to the conclusion that most of my responses to life's situations are a toss-up between laughing hysterically and bawling my eyes out. Maria would say it's the hormones, but I'm too stubborn to say that my body can affect me that much. Why, you may ask, has God's sense of humor been a particular revelation for me recently?

Pastor Jeff's theme of late has been the modern unfolding of what he calls the prophetic journey of the Israelites. I've referenced one of his sermons before with the whole idea of "There is always a wilderness between the promise and the Promised Land." But something he mentioned today stuck with me because I've been wrestling so much with a sense of powerlessness, and it was this: the Israelites were in the most humbling position possible because they could do absolutely nothing for themselves. They were a million and some strong, and they could not provide food, water, or even direction for themselves. Their clothing didn't wear out. Without their one leader, they descended swiftly into idolatry and its attendant sins. They had lived in slavery their entire lives and they had no fighting skills with which to defend themselves against hostile nations. The point is: they were powerless. God had to do everything for them.

Lately, I've been driven to the point of tears at how completely incapable I am. I can do nothing, it seems, without tripping over my own feet. I do one thing and regret it moments later, then regret my regret. One moment, I think I've caught something of what God is trying to tell me and I am at peace, the next I'm crashing into a wall full speed and head on with no idea how I got there. Sometimes I'm dying to tell somebody that I'm going insane and ask them to help me make sense of the insanity, other times, I wish I didn't blab so much about the train wreck that is my life. This afternoon, I think I managed to figure out my life story in a sensible, clicking fashion, this evening, I'm stuck with the fact that explaining my life doesn't mean that I get to stop living it. Even my body apparently hates me. At least, that's what Maria says, and suddenly, when I felt like a rational, clear-headed individual who made sound decisions, I was hit with the doubt of  the possibility that my house of cards was not stacked by the power of physics but rather levitating in a delusion of mind power.

This is the personal application, the bit that I always hated because it meant I had to bs about how I suck and this passage will make it better because... But I guess this isn't bs. I just think God is laughing at me a little bit as He leads me over the same course over and over until I get the bloody point. He's in control, I'm not, and no matter how much I want to be and no matter how much I try to be, it's not going to work. 

Disclaimer: the fact that I've written this does not mean that I've figured it out. And yes, as soon as I hit 'publish post' I'm going to wish that I hadn't.