Jewels and Meetings

I hate meetings. Especially when the meetings involve 26 people who all have distinct opinions and who are all leaders in their own right. It can be an intense time, but you have to be patient and loving because you know that each leader, yourself included, can tend towards the dreaded windbaggery. Ha. If I were using Firefox, that would not be a word. That's why I use Safari. Anyway.

Tonight, Mary Michael called a mass meeting so that Julia could air some very important griefs with the group. First, she said that she came to IMPACT expecting to be spiritually and intellectually challenged not only by the visiting professors and the staff members, but also by her classmates. She challenged us to challenge one another. Second, she added that there is not a great deal of depth to our relationships here. I didn't share in the meeting because, let's face it, 25 other people who have presumably deep things to say take a lot of time and I have to accept that with grace and a prayer to God.

Concerning Julia's first point, I have not seen that so much intellectually, but I think there is a specific reason for that. I am wretchedly introverted in some ways and I find it difficult to connect with people that I live with on a regular basis, but I have taken very seriously the encouragement to talk to our professors. For some reason, whenever I come to lunch they are often sitting alone or with only one or two others, and that is just wrong. They have so much to share and I have so much to learn, but sometimes I don't know how to ask the right questions in class and lunch is a great setting to find out more from them. I can just sit there and eat and listen and practically feel my brain consuming the calories before I put them in my mouth because I am so enthusiastically processing what this man is saying. Seriously, not everyone can say that they had lunch with J.P. Moreland. Twice. And sat in on two informal q&a sessions on top of three lectures. This man is legitimately brilliant and he has so much to teach us, but I think that many times we do not appreciate the depth of knowledge beyond what we hear in class and while I might try to make myself look good here, I am just as guilty as the next person.

At the same time, I can understand where she is coming from with regard to classmates on both the intellectual and the spiritual levels. Intellectually, the only person I recall talking with at any depth is ... Charles? Yeah, Charles, I guess. And Chelsea, when we exit our separate worlds long enough to be proper roommates. Chelsea is amazing because she is so intensely practical, she knows exactly how to put a vague notion into the right words, and she can defuse a tense situation without letting people off the hook. In some ways, I don't think this deficiency of discussion is so much a problem of others. It is a pride issue for me because I have fallen back into my old groove of thinking that (1) I am an intelligent person. (2) Intelligent people do not need the perspectives of those who are less intelligent. (3) Most of the people here do not demonstrate the same level of intelligence that I do (Yes, yes, obvious flaw of pride here, let us quibble over that later). Therefore, (4) I do not need the perspectives of those around me. Just sitting in a wrap up session debunks that entire (flawed) argument in about three seconds. I am enriched by the flow of ideas, even the ones that are phrased as questions or are gently dismantled to show the weakness of the underlying structure. I am an individual, but I am part of a body and while I function individually, my function enhances and contributes to the function of the whole. I cannot operate as a lone ego seeking my own ends. The better analogy is that of a puzzle piece where I display a single, necessary element, but I do not have every single part of the picture and so must relay on the connections that I form with others to find meaning and purpose.

Spiritually, I totally 100% feel what she is saying. As I told her this evening, "Julia, you just put the right words to something that I thought was another thing entirely." For the past week, I have been craving the conversation of my friends to the point where I will mentally scroll through my contact list and scratch people off. I was even struggling with hurt because my closest friends are too busy to make the effort of calling me and it all just seemed so unfair, but that was a huge drama of silliness. Basically, I needed deep human contact so that I could pour out some of myself and provide a shoulder for someone else, but I was lost in this idea that what I really needed was more alone time because I just couldn't handle being around the same people 24/7. Um, I went to Tennessee this weekend, and after two days of being away I still had that same feeling, so you would think I would get the picture, but thankfully, Julia has the guts to see the situation more clearly than I did. She is so right. Each time that I was dying to talk to somebody about something, be it a matter of joy or a matter of personal concern, I ruled out anyone here because I didn't think I knew anyone well enough to really give that part of myself to them. And I thought I was learning so much about vulnerability.

Honestly, I can't say that I'm going to jump out of bed tomorrow morning (probably not, since it's getting kind of late) and charge zestfully into new relationships of energizing depth and scope, but Julia has challenged my perspective in a serious and awesome way. I am humbled by her wisdom and her courage.

As for her second point, I guess I stumbled into that with my life story there.

A few side notes to catch up anyone here (Plootz, this is for you since you're the only person who reads this) on my life:

The Prologue of John has the coolest structure ever. David wins for talking about that in 737 this morning, and a mere two hours of Bible study might possibly have planted the seed for a course correction in my college aspirations. Whoa.

I got to speak with the Board of Advisors this morning about my journey here and what I've learned since orientation. I jotted down a few thoughts yesterday about the learning part and it reminded me of the importance of examining where I am and where I would like to go. I haven't had a chance yet to sit down and write out a vision statement, but I definitely have that on my to do list because you can't know if you're going where you want to go unless you can visibly see the scenery changing in ways that you stated that you wanted it to change. Maybe you can see it is changing, but without a vision, you don't know if that's where you want to go.

On a more humorous note, the Winnie the Pooh character breakdown of IMPACT as determined by Bethany and myself is as follows:
Dr. Fant is Rabbit, Ben is Pooh, Kyle is Christopher Robin, Emma is Piglet, Leah is Kanga, Annie is Roo, Alex or Charles is Tigger, David or Ryan is Eeyore, and Nathan is Owl.

I think that was a lot of word vomit that needed to get out quickly, so thank you for bearing with my scatterbrainedness. If you're out there and you're praying for me, please pray that I find a mentor, that we draw together with depth in our community, that we challenge one another at every level, and that God would be able to get into my thick noggin what His calling on my life is. Thanks!