How do you suddenly make a course correction after a year and a half of careful consideration and planning? Can you really just change your mind? I've been asking myself these questions for a long time. The story.
Three years ago, I was sitting in my car before work, somewhere between dozing and daydreaming about what a bookstore that I would own would look like. It would have tall bookshelves, lots of windy spaces, a place you could get lost in. The children's area would contain all kinds of nooks with a massive mural of fairy tale and fantasy characters. There would be crash spots for reading groups, philosophy discussions, creative writing classes. A cafe on the second story with floor to ceiling windows overlooking the street (this was pre-working at PSC, by the way), booths and couches for the college populace, a basic espresso and tea menu with two soups du jour, tables like the ones at the Ben and Jerry's in San Juan: decoupaged with newspaper cut out phrases that you could spend hours reading. It would be more than a bookstore. More like a center of culture and community, with local art displayed on the walls and sold, local music available for purchase, bands playing in the cafe area on Saturday evenings, late nights. It would be in a college town, of course, maybe western Philadelphia. A place like Media. There would be a book exchange type of a deal for the students where they could turn in books for credit. Wood floors. Book smells. Cobblestone sidewalk outside my door.
I still love that idea. I still love books. I still love the idea of sharing books, community, cultur. And I think that I would make a good businessperson, but more in the administrative area. I don't think that I'm terribly personable, which would be necessary to bring the fullness of the vision to fruition. At some point, I think that idea just became a convenient way of shrugging off that nagging senior question: what are you going to do after high school? Ultimately, I was avoiding a more significant question: what am I passionate about? Some author somewhere said that it is a mistake to think that you should not do something in line with what you love and are good at just because it comes easily to you and that convicted me. But I don't think I'm a passionate person. In fact, I'd say I'm rather boring (you can disagree, it's okay) because the full extent of my interests are basically books and blowing bubbles. That doesn't translate into a lot of interests to turn into a life course.
Two events:
Dr. J.P. Moreland was our first guest lecturer, teaching the Biblical Worldview I module on our second week at IMPACT. Dr. Moreland hails from the Talbot School of Psychology at Biola University, an excellent Christian school outside of Los Angeles. In other words, far, far away. One evening before dinner, he was sitting in the commons room as I was skimming an article in Salvo that Basie and someone else wrote on Top 10 Best and Worst colleges in certain categories. One of their bests was Biola, so I asked Dr. Moreland to promote his university to me a bit. It actually turned into a bit of a joke because he said that he thought I would love it, and I, startled, asked him how he presumed to know what I like. Anyway, the idea niggles. Basie chimed in with Moreland and started promoting the Torrey Honors Institute and I made the bad move of actually looking into it. Drool. Ahem.
And now that I have researched it a little bit, it looks even more appealing in light of this past Tuesday. We had a mixed up schedule, so 737, our bible study, took place in the morning, and David talked about the chiastic micro and macrostructures of John's Prologue. It was wonderful. I love that kind of analysis, and I love learning about the Bible in that context. Hermeneutics is probably not my strong point, but exegesis is so fun. For Honors New Testament Letters this past year, MC had us write a ten-ish page commentary research paper on 1 and 2 Thessalonians, and my favorite part was delving into commentaries to find out about the history behind the books and reading Acts 17. Suddenly I found all of these connections that I hadn't seen before, and it opened up the New Testament in some amazing ways that I hadn't thought a simple history check of Thessalonians could do. I could be seriously enthused about spending a lot of time learning things like David was teaching on Tuesday, and I suspect that Torrey really fits into that.
The Checkpoint:
Why am I suddenly prepared to dive radically off course? I have a nagging suspicion that I got bored with my plans and I just want to be suddenly spontaneous. That is such a bad reason. But then again, Lewis points out that you can have both good and bad motivations at work simultaneously.
Mr. Bowdre, a member of IMPACT's board of advisors, informed me that if I did decide to attend Hillsdale College I would not be disappointed. Everyone he's known to graduate from there was enthusiastic about the education that each received. And I really clicked with Hillsdale. They have bagpipes. A mission that includes both Judeo-Christian values and Greco-Roman education. Some amazing professors that I would be honored to learn under. In all likelihood, I would not be able to visit Biola.
Conclusions?
Pray. We were talking about soulmates in wrap up today and I confessed to Basie during the break that one of my biggest struggles with that idea is that for me it comes back to the concept of predestination vs. free will. I've especially been thinking about that since, well... tangent for a text conversation with Matt.
Me: How many times would a mute duck quack if a mute duck could quack lots?
Matt: Hm. As many times as he wanted?
Me: But what if there is no such thing as free will?
Matt: Ok, now that's just preposterous.
...I thought I texted something here and next thing makes more sense to me if I did, but I'm not sure...
Matt: Predestination and free will aren't contradictory. It's weird like that.
I love Matt. He's great. Back on topic. Since we were talking about soulmates, I tend to gravitate toward the stance that there are no such things. And the thought that came into my head is that "foreknowledge does not prevent free will." But sometimes I suspect myself of trying to avoid predestination because, let's face it, my parents did not exactly raise me to be super dependent. I like to believe that I am in control of myself and my life. I hate being undignified because it shows a lack of self control. I hate crying in public. Same thing. I loved ice skating, but to learn to skate, I had to let go of the wall and all my fears of falling on my butt and looking ludicrous. The toughest thing for me in the midst of the college search process is believing that God actually wants to have a say in my planning and that I should listen to him. How do you even do that?
At the same time, I'm reading The Call by Os Guinness. Slowly. But it's been good for the 20 pages that I've read. Calling is an important back of my mind kind of theme right now, but God is working on me. I just hope He gets my act together quickly because I don't have much time to ponder :P The THI application requires a 5-8 page argumentative work and if I apply, it will be by mid-December. Shoo! After what Basie said about having a big paper to work on after break, no less.
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