Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice...

There's this commercial for some energy buzz where the guy talks about how he used to not be a morning person. This is supposed to be in contrast to his wife, the cute blonde with her 5AM game face and running shorts. She's the one who actually LIKES seeing the dark end of the sunrise, while he can only drag himself out of bed with an all natural boost.

What am I motivated by?

And isn't that just the hundred dollar question? When someone wants to pretend that they're deep, it is so easy to say something like, "I'm motivated by compassion for people who have suffered a lot of grief," or "I'm motivated by a desire to see a better future." But honestly, right now, I am not motivated by anything even remotely altruistic. Oh, my answer would probably be pretty cute and pat too, something to do with the life of the mind and new ways of teaching or communicating. But take a second to look at the way I've actually been living, and you could probably figure out pretty quickly that there was a serious gap between what I was saying with my lips and what I was saying with my life.

When I get done with my 4:45 AM to 8:00 PM Monday, nothing in me wants to do homework. And you'd better believe that I am not waking up fifteen or twenty minutes earlier to meditate on Scripture. I can meditate (on the marvels of sleep) with my eyes closed just fine, thank you very much. It's harder to make excuses when Wednesday afternoon finally sneaks up, and all I want to do is zone out to Season 3, Episode 4 of Doctor Who, even as my to-do list remains pointedly ignored on my phone. I know there's so much I should be doing... But my time is MY time, right?

So my present motivation is generally instant impulse gratification (which is hell on the bank account - believe me). The sooner I can relieve that itch to do, eat, buy something, the better. Always fun to plunk a fast down in the middle of that sort of mindset. It's a nasty reminder of how completely undisciplined I've become, but probably a good check when we're in the middle of a season when overdoing it can be easily disguised as holiday spirit.

Thank the Lord for Christmas break. Sometimes the best cure for the tangles in an unrelenting schedule is... a relent. So here's to cutting back on the lattes, hitting the treadmill, and regular budgeting. What a novel concept :)

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