...Whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish in order that I may gain Christ.
{Philippians 3:7-8}
God has a funny way of reminding me of His presence and who He is. Like I said before, I have had a lot on my plate recently and time with God was not high on the priority list. But one of the ways that His grace pointed me back to Him was through this verse. I'm beginning at the end though.
There is a well-demarcated distinction between life with a job and life without a job. For one thing, the definition of a "necessity" broadens considerably when you have a steady cashflow and the hope of its continuation. Out of the past 28 months, I've worked maybe 9 of them, with a few extra fragments of weeks and shifts thrown in for good measure. That sense of enforced frugality combined with the intention to go west to college and fit all of my possessions into my car led me to whittle down my possessions considerably. When I moved in with Katrina, my closet looked pathetic (I owned basically one pair of jeans) and the only substantial anything was my bookcase which had also been reduced from some 8 shelves to a mere four and a half. Thanks to a change in expectations and monetary circumstances, I have expanded on books, clothing, and a few others areas, to the degree that I feel like for the first time since high school, I actually have a lot of stuff.
It's only when we have something to lose that giving everything sounds scary.
I found it so easy to say, "God, You can have it all," while I was at dts, because honestly all was not a whole lot and I wasn't very attached to it. It's a whole heck of a lot harder when I take stock of all that I have now and realize that if He takes everything, there is a lot in there that I rather like, thank you very much. I am humbled by the realization that in spite of all of my smug mental condemnations of the spending habits of classmates, I am not immune to the cravings of the insatiable beast of want.
So I'm not sure if that brings us back to the end properly or not, but I guess that question that I was forced to ask myself was this: would I be willing to count all that I have as loss? And I'm not just talking about stuff here, because I'm not that attached to my skinny jeans and Toms. I also mean, could I leave Pennsylvania after finally connecting with my dad and given how quickly his diabetes will bring about degeneration? Could I give up my hopes of moving to England one day if that were no more than a selfish desire? Could I choose to live a quiet, outwardly unremarkable life when so much in me itches at the thought of something bigger?
I don't necessarily think that I will be asked to give up things that are near and dear to my heart like that in the near future, but the fact that I had to pause so long in processing reminded me of how thankful I am for God's... allness? He is fully capable of being all that I need. Whether my boxes are full or empty, that is one constant in my life, and my desire is that I will rise to it and be able to offer myself with that same degree of constancy. Nothing barred from Him, nothing held back, all His, all a loss to me if it comes at the cost of the one thing I have desired and sought.
All roads lead home, and home is where the heart is, safe in His hands.
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